Life is not all that difficult. Except when it gets muddled like when one gets really angry.
Tell me.
I used to get angry all the time. Smallest of things used to tick me of. People slightly out of line got my goat.I read all kinds of books on anger management. I also practised all kinds of 'patience' related skills. The only visible result was that I got angry now knowing fully well that I was getting angry!
Then I started reflecting upon what was happening. I also reflected upon what I had to do. The results have been really amazing. Now, I have cut down the instances that I get angry by about 75% !!
Not that I don't get angry now. I do. And, I feel silly whenever I ge angry. But, I am able to come out of the mood pretty fast. I am able to cool down pretty fast. I am also able to delay my anger reaction so that I am able to pass over that instant that I am really boiling.Now, I am going to share with you what little I have learnt over the years on myself, on why I was getting angry and how I am able to control these days:
1) You need to fully understand what is happening to you: The 'patience' tricks do help - but only to delay the moment when you get angry. Unless you fully understand what is happening to you, these tricks only delay the inevitable moment of getting angry.We have all been taught to practise different things when we get angry or when we get really annoyed : a) count upto ten b) drink water c) take a walk and so on and on.They are all very useful. But only upto a point. That point is merely postponing the moment when you really explode.
2) Start focussing on your inner feelings: I started focussing on what was happening when I really 'postponed' the moment of anger : that is where the real benefit lies : I could buy time to rationally look at the moment. On why is that I was getting so mightily annoyed. What was making me getting so pissed off.
3) Don't build up your counter arguments inside yourself : I also realised that if instead of focussing on 'why I was getting angry' if I started thinking about "how good would be to just shout at that idiot", then I was only postponing the moment of getting angry - in fact, building even more momentum towards that particular moment of explosion!
4) Now, buy time: So, when I get angry, I refuse to think about the person. I think about the issu
e on hand. If I am already boiling over, then I simply cannot think about the problem on hand. That is when I go for a walk. Count upto ten. Drink water. Whatever. Just buy time. Buy enough time so that I stop shaking with anger. My breathing to become normal.
5) Postpone : At times, when it is impossible to think ratinally about the problem on hand, I simply postpone. Nothing like age old time to really heal things! I refuse to talk. I walk away.
6) Play "If I were him...": At times, when I have to take a call and cannot buy any more time, I go back to thinking about the person. Only, this time around, I 'become' that person. Suppose if I were that person, why would I do like this? Why would I say something like this? I try to figure out from where this person is coming from. What would be that person's motives.
7) Laugh at the situation : There are times when I know it is pointless. That I am dealing with an absolute idiot. And that there is no point even explaining things. Then I try to look at the funny side of the impossible situation that I find myself in. How come I have come about dealing with this person? Can there be anything funnier than this?
8) Don't give in to provocation : There are times when I tell myself : Hey! This person is trying to get under my skin. He / she is trying to provoke me. I am not going to get provoked. I am simply going to grin and bear this. I am not going to get into one shouting war.
9) Play - "How would Jesus handle this...": There times when I try to imagine myself to be Jesus or Gandhi or Buddha. How would they have dealt with this situation? With this person? Would they have done anything differently? Would mother Theresa done anything differently? Would my wife or my mother have handled this situation any differently?
10) Pray for patience : There are times when I simply pray. I ask God to give a little more patience. A little more time to come out of this situation.
There are plenty of times I still get angry. And, feel very very silly after wards. Not that one should not get angry. But, more often than not, it is so unproductive. So damaging for one's own health that it is simply not worth getting worked up. Of course, there are more situations where one cannot afford to become angry - like when dealing with one's boss. Or spouse for that matter. Or with children.More often than not, I have felt - and this seems a universal feeling - that 'if only I was a little more patient', I could have saved the day.
If only I held my tongue a little bit... ; If only I listened for a few minutes more...; If only I postponed that decision that I took in anger... all to be regretted in leisure later...So, 9 out of 10 times, it is much better to control anger. The boiling rage that builds up and spews forth.The trick is to buy us some more time - but buying time by itself helps only a little.
Try the steps outlined above.They have really helped me.They will definitely help you.If you notice, I have NOT listed 'punching a pillow' or 'punching something' as a method. My own feeling is that the 'punching' method is lot more harmful than useful.Let us talk about that another time!
I used to get angry all the time. Smallest of things used to tick me of. People slightly out of line got my goat.I read all kinds of books on anger management. I also practised all kinds of 'patience' related skills. The only visible result was that I got angry now knowing fully well that I was getting angry!
Then I started reflecting upon what was happening. I also reflected upon what I had to do. The results have been really amazing. Now, I have cut down the instances that I get angry by about 75% !!
Not that I don't get angry now. I do. And, I feel silly whenever I ge angry. But, I am able to come out of the mood pretty fast. I am able to cool down pretty fast. I am also able to delay my anger reaction so that I am able to pass over that instant that I am really boiling.Now, I am going to share with you what little I have learnt over the years on myself, on why I was getting angry and how I am able to control these days:
1) You need to fully understand what is happening to you: The 'patience' tricks do help - but only to delay the moment when you get angry. Unless you fully understand what is happening to you, these tricks only delay the inevitable moment of getting angry.We have all been taught to practise different things when we get angry or when we get really annoyed : a) count upto ten b) drink water c) take a walk and so on and on.They are all very useful. But only upto a point. That point is merely postponing the moment when you really explode.
2) Start focussing on your inner feelings: I started focussing on what was happening when I really 'postponed' the moment of anger : that is where the real benefit lies : I could buy time to rationally look at the moment. On why is that I was getting so mightily annoyed. What was making me getting so pissed off.
3) Don't build up your counter arguments inside yourself : I also realised that if instead of focussing on 'why I was getting angry' if I started thinking about "how good would be to just shout at that idiot", then I was only postponing the moment of getting angry - in fact, building even more momentum towards that particular moment of explosion!
4) Now, buy time: So, when I get angry, I refuse to think about the person. I think about the issu
e on hand. If I am already boiling over, then I simply cannot think about the problem on hand. That is when I go for a walk. Count upto ten. Drink water. Whatever. Just buy time. Buy enough time so that I stop shaking with anger. My breathing to become normal.
5) Postpone : At times, when it is impossible to think ratinally about the problem on hand, I simply postpone. Nothing like age old time to really heal things! I refuse to talk. I walk away.
6) Play "If I were him...": At times, when I have to take a call and cannot buy any more time, I go back to thinking about the person. Only, this time around, I 'become' that person. Suppose if I were that person, why would I do like this? Why would I say something like this? I try to figure out from where this person is coming from. What would be that person's motives.
7) Laugh at the situation : There are times when I know it is pointless. That I am dealing with an absolute idiot. And that there is no point even explaining things. Then I try to look at the funny side of the impossible situation that I find myself in. How come I have come about dealing with this person? Can there be anything funnier than this?
8) Don't give in to provocation : There are times when I tell myself : Hey! This person is trying to get under my skin. He / she is trying to provoke me. I am not going to get provoked. I am simply going to grin and bear this. I am not going to get into one shouting war.
9) Play - "How would Jesus handle this...": There times when I try to imagine myself to be Jesus or Gandhi or Buddha. How would they have dealt with this situation? With this person? Would they have done anything differently? Would mother Theresa done anything differently? Would my wife or my mother have handled this situation any differently?
10) Pray for patience : There are times when I simply pray. I ask God to give a little more patience. A little more time to come out of this situation.
There are plenty of times I still get angry. And, feel very very silly after wards. Not that one should not get angry. But, more often than not, it is so unproductive. So damaging for one's own health that it is simply not worth getting worked up. Of course, there are more situations where one cannot afford to become angry - like when dealing with one's boss. Or spouse for that matter. Or with children.More often than not, I have felt - and this seems a universal feeling - that 'if only I was a little more patient', I could have saved the day.
If only I held my tongue a little bit... ; If only I listened for a few minutes more...; If only I postponed that decision that I took in anger... all to be regretted in leisure later...So, 9 out of 10 times, it is much better to control anger. The boiling rage that builds up and spews forth.The trick is to buy us some more time - but buying time by itself helps only a little.Try the steps outlined above.They have really helped me.They will definitely help you.If you notice, I have NOT listed 'punching a pillow' or 'punching something' as a method. My own feeling is that the 'punching' method is lot more harmful than useful.Let us talk about that another time!
